The Top 20 reasons I Am Still Fat This Christmas.

Reason number...

20. Angie's always baking.

19. Sitting on my butt at the computer instead of exercising could have a lot to do with it.

18. Stress makes me want to bite something..Best it be food.

17. They say you have to get enough sleep or you will put on weight. Who can sleep with a Rat-Dog and a wiener dog with a cone on her head to keep her from chewing off her bandages (which she does twice a night sometimes.)

16. Prevacid doesn't work. My tummy hurts 80 % of the time so I try to soothe it with food.

15. Constantly having to fix someone else something to eat adds to my roly-polyness. Who can cook a roast and not taste it over and over again?

14. Sensa doesn't work.

13. The last time I lost 18 lbs nobody even noticed. The only one who did only weighs 96 lbs. soaking wet so it's not like she was going to be jealous.

12. Relacore doesn't work.

11. Prayer works. But the last time I prayed to lose my appetite I couldn't eat for a week. I couldn't sleep for a week either and ended up having a nervous breakdown and growing a mustache. Lesson learned. Be careful what you ask for.

10. Cheese & crackers are fattening.

9. Things that aren't fattening usually taste like cardboard or cat urine.

8. Ali doesn't work.

7. I stopped drinking beer. I started drinking wine. Sugar must be more fattening than hops.
6. There's always a party to go to and I am "ALL about the tables"

5. My boobs are bigger when I'm fat.

4. Chocolate makes me feel loved.

3. Poor people can only afford peanut butter and mac & cheese for dinner.

2. I have to keep on extra pounds for the day I get picked to be on Survivor.

And as I always told my kids...The #1 Reason I am still fat this Christmas is..

I AM SANTA CLAUS